Cockney Wanker

This was the night when two Sarf Londoners descended on the Balloon. Coming from the Elephant & Castle ("So you live in a pub?" - Geoff Taylor), their accents were so thick that nobody could understand what they said but they kept on saying it anyway. Various people tried to shut them up:

"Remember chaps, you’re a LONG way from home." - Geoff Taylor

"It’s not a London thing; it’s a twat thing." - Andrew O’Neill

"We’re talking amongst ourselves." - Cockernee git
"Well fuck off and do it somewhere else." - Andrew O’Neill

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" - Lou Saffire

Lou got so annoyed that after shouting "shut up" about three times he became apoplectic, jumping up and down in rage, dropping the microphone and screaming, "APPLES AND FUCKING PEARS!!" at the top of his voice.

The Cockernees said afterwards that they'd quite enjoyed themselves.

Neil Smith and Stewart Spaull Swap Sets - With Hilarious Consequences

After the night at XS Malarkey where several comics swapped sets, Smith and Spaull thought it would be a great idea to do the same at the Balloon. Smith - supposedly attempting Spaull's ultra- deadpan style - couldn't keep a straight face to save his life and had to attempt the Yorkshire Ripper gag six times before giving up. There's just something funny about the phrase, "She was badly disfigured in a hammer attack".

Stewart went on to attempt Neil's chatty style (in complete contrast to his own style) and pretty much died on his arse. The comics in the room were amused, the punters confused. And he had to keep referring to his reminder sheet every couple of lines...

The Heckler's Pint

Brick shithouse heckles Jason Cooke as soon as the show kicks off. Jase goes across and downs the geezer's pint in one swig. Bloke storms out of room. Reappears five minutes later with a pint for himself and another for Jase. Never heckles again.

Roland Guy White

The night Roland Guy White comperes. Forgets the name of every comic. Dies on arse. Wears bright orange suit. Does impression of a motorbike.

Mr Wood

Nutter called Mr Wood does weird heckles through every act, rambling loudly about nothing. Rohan gets him on stage to ramble incoherently into the mic for five minutes. Allan Wilde twats him on the head with the mic. You can hear the echo in Didsbury.

Prison Buggery

TV crew from Salford Uni turn up to film. Director is a bloke described by the cameraman as "The John Cleese of Kosovo". He does this weird routine which involves telling Jase and Geoff Taylor to re-enact a prison buggery scene in three different ways.

Comic Relief Special

Comic Relief Special. Des Sharples, in 1970's disco stu regalia, auctions a vinyl Bee Gees album. Colin Press wants to buy it so he can smash it up, a girl who loves the Bee Gees bids to stop him and the record fetches a tenner.

Allan Wildes Double-Entendre

Girl goes to bar while Allan Wilde is on stage. When she returns, Allan asks, "Is everything alright downstairs?" Alan is the only one unaware of his own double-entendre.

The Debut of Starbase 109

Starbase's debut. John Collins is in the room from 6pm setting up the gear and sound-checking. About twice as long as McCartney needed at the Arena.

"Just popped in."

Noel James and Kate Ward turn up unannounced at 10.30pm, just when the show is flagging, and do ten storming minutes each.

Heckled When Not Even in the Room

Gobby solicitor disrupts show all night. Toby Hadoke scribbles a load of put-downs while waiting to headline. Solicitor leaves before he takes stage. He follows her to the bar and rips into her there instead.

The "Freech Yotting Accshident"

Very small crowd close to Crimbo, nearly all comics. Andy 'Bargains' Brough attempts to tell his 'freech yotting accshident' gag. Every time he says, 'freech yotting accshident', all the acts stand up and applaud noisily. Takes him 15 minutes to tell the joke. Handful of regular punters look bemused.

Dave Turquoises Plastic Sax

Dave Turquoise comperes with plastic yellow saxophone around his neck, seemingly for no apparent reason, until we notice post-it notes with his gags written on, stuck to the back of the sax.

The Shortest Set

Carl Braintree goes to the mic and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, brevity is the soul of wit... goodnight." then sits down.

Happy Birthday Des

Des getting the bumps on his birthday on the stage. The audience consisted entirely of comics that night.

Peanuts

"I also recall my first trip to the Balloon as a punter, I'd gone out for a drink and Des convinced me and my mate to come upstairs to watch the comedy. Sounded good to me, having never been to comedy night. I proceeded to be quite an awkward punter, Des asked me my name and I told him I was called Barry Buttons. Tony threw a peanut at me that night too. I didn't eat it, luckily for me, as it'd been in his pocket all day."

Rodney Marques' Put-Down

One night there was next to no-one in, just three blokes and two girls who made it their job to heckle everyone who got up there. The two women both had fur coats on, which prompted the wonderful Rodney Marques to hit them with, "How many pencil cases died so you could wear that coat?"

Naked Compere

The night compere Dave Ingram stripped down to the buff, but hid his genitals behind a comedy wizard hat. I was the next act on, and when he introduced me I grabbed the hat and flung it into the crowd. Someone shouted, "Look, a boy with a vagina!"

The Punter Gets the Upper Hand

Richard Longford? Orford? Anyway, it was Xmas-ish, and two lovely lasses were persuaded to come upstairs. One of them had a rather well endowed upper section and Richard picked on her. She said something back to him - can't remember what it was - and quick as a flash he replied, "If I was a better comedian, I'd have a comeback for that." (Actually, it was Duncan Crawford.)

Dragged Off By the Heels

A guy turns up from Warrington called Al Sation. Sits and has a chat with me and seems perfectly normal, other than the fact that he said he was going to "make it up as I go along". I advised him to stand on the stage and I turned the lights off for him so he could see that you can't really SEE the audience. Seemed grateful. Night starts. Up he gets...

...with a SHEET over his head (with eyeholes cut out)! Has no material and verbally abuses everyone in the audience including ME. Sticks his shoe on my front-seat table and asks me to lick his foot. I was THAT far away from getting up and lamping the fucker when he trained his comic observations on another table.

After about four mins the crowd gets restless and exhorts him to leave the stage. No joy. In the end Jason (the MC) tells him his time's up and the be-sheeted loony sits by the compere bench STILL WEARING HIS SHEET.

Entertainment Cooke takes offence at this and tells him to take it off. Al refuses, but Jase makes it a point of honour and tries to remove it himself. A struggle ensues which spills onto the Balloon stage with Al Sation shouting, "I never take off my mask. I'm Kendo Nagasaki!" which cuts no ice with the rum-snorter who wrestles him to the floor shouting, "You'll be Kendo Out-The-Door-Ski in a minute!"

I thought it might be a good time to alert the Gay Mafia to these proceedings so I headed out the door. The last thing I saw before I left the room was Jason dragging the guy offstage by his boots, bonking the guy's head on the steps.

Eventually he was hustled out the door by the Briton's staff.